Wildflowers

 

 It was early. Rays of the sun’s light were beginning to peek through the windows. The bag on his shoulder felt heavy as he shifted from side to side. The day would be hot. He already felt the sticky air kissing his skin. The sweat from his forehead dripped onto his dark brow as he peered in the kitchen hoping to avoid her. She was in the kitchen as she was every morning making breakfast for the day. He used to love the sound of her moving around in the kitchen and the delightful aroma as the bacon would cook. Her blonde hair was streaked with gray and she was wearing a floral dress that fell well below her knee. It was the same thing she wore every day for as long as he could remember.

    “Is that you Brian?”

    He ducked back into the hallway. Leaving quietly was the best way to do it. There would be no point in having the same argument again. He had tried to explain so many times. They would listen and he thought they understood and then they would tell him that he had lost his mind. 

    The depth of his conditioning wasn’t obvious until he was away during college. Parties were awkward at first. His friend yelled “This Linkin Park song is lit!” as he handed Brian a beer. It was bitter and tough to choke down. 

    He wasn’t sure that he liked beer or Linkin Park. All of the music was new to him. Same with T.V. shows or most pop culture references his friends would make. He had only been allowed to listen to religious music and watch selected shows with no violence, cursing, or sex in them. There were days that he felt that he had grown up on an entirely different planet. He had been sheltered, protected, but really…..censored.      

    He had wanted to get drunk and high just to know how it felt. He was always in control and letting his mind float freely felt amazing until it was time to go to the bathroom to be sick. It was all part of the experience.    

    His life was built on rules and obedience. He knew how to follow the rules. He wasn’t sure how to build a life outside of those rules, but it was what he desired more than anything. He tried to open himself up to new experiences, but too often he caught himself thinking “I shouldn’t do that.” It was a hard habit to break. 

    He wanted things from life that his family and community could not give him. When he met girls at school, he wanted to know what it felt like to be with them. Who wanted to be a virgin at his age? Everyone he grew up with likely was, but more because they were afraid to do anything else.  

    He didn’t understand why anyone would want to restrict sex. Carrie came over one night. They had been in many of the same classes. It took a lot of courage because he hadn’t interacted with girls much, but he invited her over. He didn’t think she would actually show up. She was so beautiful. She had blonde hair that tousled over her shoulders and blue eyes that sparkled with mischief as she looked at him that night. She kissed him and every nerve in his body tingled. He breathed in her scent and felt her heart beating quickly against him. Carrie giggled and he struggled to remove her bra. He touched and tasted and when he finally found his way inside of her, she responded to him moaning softly. He felt like they were floating as they each released and held each other still joined as one. How could people label this as sinful? It was incredible. Days after his first experience, he still walked around with a smile. He would not be abstaining for the foreseeable future.  

    His family would hassle him even more if they knew he had been drinking, experimenting with drugs, and sleeping with girls. He listened to all the music he had been missing and watched whatever he liked. He read books that were helping him build his new life. He did not go to church, even though there was a branch near his school. He had no regrets, but his family would hate all of it. 

    When he turned away from the faith, his family would withhold love until he complied. They would do it in the spirit of helping him, but the pain was so great that it didn’t matter why they did it. Nobody should have to choose between happiness and family, but that is the position they put him in. The last time they were upset with him, he didn’t hear from them for several weeks. He hoped that over time that they would accept him and that they would still be in his life. 

    His Dad called him while he was at school. “We can help you pay off your car if you just come home and go back to church.” 

    If he didn’t, the offer to help disappeared. 

    His mom also tried. “I heard that your best friend is getting married. Maybe you should think about finding a wife? If you got married, you could even start a family.” 

    One thing he was sure of was that he absolutely did not want a wife and children right now. He wanted to figure out who he was. He also definitely didn’t want to go back to church. He had hated going when he was a kid. Most of his childhood memories were of sitting at church listening to the pastor for hours, not able to move. It wasn’t much different for adults. The church was their life and that’s where they spent most of their time.

    Leaving the church was much more than the desire for partying or sex. He had realized that everything that he thought was true, was not. His entire concept of what God was had changed. How do you go back to that once your eyes were opened to different concepts of God?

    He wasn’t really sure there was a God at all. The first time he had gone hiking, he stopped near the top of the trail with his friend. They sat and looked at the hundreds of pine trees surrounding them, and they breathed in the scent of water and wood. He had felt spirituality there in a way he had never felt before, even though he spent all that time in church. He had felt completely at peace. His mind had cleared and he was just, happy. 

    Nature had become a spiritual place.  

    He had found others who had grown up in situations like his. Some still felt close to God, but outside of the God they grew up with. Others rejected the idea of God and were now vehement Atheists. All of them had family problems ranging from being totally disowned to constant arguing with their families. It created tremendous stress. So many of his friends were in counseling trying to reconcile the fact that the people who should love them unconditionally, did not.  

   

    While his mind had been wandering he didn’t notice his mom standing in front of him.

    “Where are you going at this hour, Brian?” Her eyes were sad and his heart felt heavy in his chest. He did not want to disappoint her, but his mind was made up.

    “Mom, I’m leaving. I think it’s best for all of us.” He had been living under their roof during his break from school. The lifestyle was unbearable at that point. He planned to stay with a friend. 

    She looked right through him and pursed her lips. “No, it’s not. You belong here with us. Dad is going to be furious. How can you leave your sister and brother? What am I supposed to tell them?” 

    He had been to slow to leave and the family was up. He went to sit at the kitchen table and they all came in. 

    Dad spoke first “Brian, we have given you everything. You know what is right and you know what you are choosing right now is not the right path for you. If you leave us, we can’t help you.” 

    His sister walked up to him and hugged him. “Please don’t leave Brian. I’ll miss you. Who will play chess with me?” 

    Brian was shaking at this point. He got up and grabbed a glass of water. This wasn’t what he had planned. The family ganging up on him again. Manipulating him. Hurting him.

    His brother got in his face. “How could you be so blind?” Suddenly, he pushed him, smacking his head against the wall, hard. His brother was once his best friend, his confidant. How could they be at this point? He preached peace and love and now had him pinned, ready to punch him. 

    “Go ahead, I’ll call the police you psycho.”

    His brother backed away, but the near punch had hit him straight in the gut. 

    Dad cleared his throat “That’s enough from you two. Ok, Brian, you leave. You will regret it.”   

    Brian grabbed his bag and felt his family’s eyes on his back as he left the house. He headed for the field that he used to play in. The field had several flower gardens planted by the community. The flowers were all in bloom presenting a path of color as he walked out of his old life. He remembered how he and his mom planted several of them. They would plant and laugh. She called him her little bug. He loved her laughter and the crinkles around her eyes when she smiled. He wondered if he would ever laugh with her again. 

    He noticed a few wildflowers invading the garden. They were beautiful, they just didn’t belong with the carefully curated flower beds. They would be plucked away. They were wild. 

    Five years later, Brian slowly walked up to the coffin. The people in the church stared at him with judgment their eyes, almost as if his abandonment had caused this. It was cancer, a disease millions of people die from. It was not punishment for his actions. His father hadn’t even spoken to him since he arrived. 

    He coughed to contain the tears that were threatening to fall down his face. He loved her, despite everything. When it was too late, his parents told him that Mom had cancer. He flew up with his wife and daughter to see her, but they were too late. He looked at his mother’s face and wondered what awaited her in the afterlife. Was he right? Were they right? None of it mattered to anyone here. The only reality was that his Mom had died and he didn’t get to say good-bye. 

    He couldn’t hold it in and the tears slid down his face. His wife ran up to him. The people in the church glared at her, but she didn’t even notice. She gently grabbed his hand, kissed him on the cheek, and guided him out of the church with their daughter. 

    He occasionally spoke with his family, but he always felt as if they spoke to him with the polite distance you would use with a stranger. He had built a life without their God, without their love. He looked at his wife and daughter sleeping on the plane next to him. He was grateful for this life. He had been able to help so many people and he had found love beyond what he ever could have experienced from his family or community. Occasionally he felt a pang of regret for the loss of his family, but he did not belong in that garden.